The Perils of Teaching With Elves
by Araflower and Sunlily
Summary: (by Araflower and Sunlily) We wrote this when we were bored. What if the Fellowship characters were high school teachers? Coffee, pot, and shagging in the supply closet. WARNING: contains SLASH! This means BOYS doing it with BOYS! We love reviews!
1. Chapter 1

We started writing this in English class because it's so boring. Class, that is, not the story. We hope the story is anything but boring! Our teacher is a psycho! We really like Lord of the Rings (Aragorn is soooo hot!), so we thought, what if the characters were high school teachers? It's not great literature, but we had fun writing it and we hope you like it!  
~Araflower and Sunlily~

**The Perils of Teaching With Elves**

by Araflower and Sunlily

Chapter 1

"Why is there never any coffee?" Boromir whined, shaking the last drop of coffee into his mug ("I Survived the Mines of Moria and All I Got Was This Stupid Mug").

"The blood of Numenor is all but spent...."

"Oh, shove it, Elrond!" Boromir said grouchily. "Besides, what has that to do with coffee?"

"Men are weak -- why can you not survive without that substance called 'coffee'? I haven't slept in 500 years, but do you see me being tired? No," Elrond said haughtily.

Boromir glared and slouched down on the couch.

Aragorn wandered in, looking as if he hadn't slept or bathed in weeks. Come to think of it, he probably hadn't. He stumbled over to the coffee machine and hit it a few times, cursing. "Why isn't there any coffee?" he asked.

Elrond opened his mouth but shut it again when Boromir glared at him.

"The nancy-boy apparently forgot to buy any more coffee last week," Boromir said with a meaningful glance at Elrond. "Possibly because he and Mitzi here were too busy shagging in the supply closet."

Elrond blushed.

"But -- my coffee!" Aragorn wailed, dropping to the floor like a rock. "I need coffee!" Both Boromir and Elrond winced at the pitch Aragorn managed to hit, surprised the windows didn't shatter.

"Well, as much as I'd like to hang around with you Men," Elrond said, standing, "I have a class to teach." He glided to the door.

Aragorn stopped wailing and looked at Boromir. "Did they really do it in the supply closet?" he asked.

Boromir nodded solemnly. "I even have it on tape," he said.

Elrond squeaked and slammed the door of the teachers' lounge.

"And I always thought Elves were too dignified to slam doors," Aragorn mused.

Boromir smiled smugly. "It just takes the right motivation."

Aragorn stared at him and shook his head. "You are getting far too bored," he said. "Anyway, about my coffee...you know I can't face third block without it."

"Third block?" Boromir looked puzzled.

"You know." Aragorn lowered his voice to a whisper. "The _Hobbits._"

"Ahhhh! Where?" Boromir screamed and scrunched down on the couch, looking around nervously.

"Not here," Aragorn sighed. "Hey, you going to finish that coffee?" he asked, sidling over to Boromir.

Boromir snatched his mug away and gulped it down quickly, burning is mouth in the process. Aragorn pouted and sent longing looks at Boromir's mug.

"No, no coffee, no cup," Boromir said, putting his cup in the sink. "Aragorn, you can deal with the Hobbits. Just remember your helmet and sword."

Aragorn grunted and grabbed his sword off the sword rack.

"They still haven't figured out that it's not appropriate to do the Wave in class. Also, I can't believe they call me Strider! That's soooo inappropriate!" Aragorn whined as he strapped on his sword and grabbed a dagger to stick in his boot. "Plus they really need to stop the glomping. They're insane!"

"You're telling me, Boromir said, rolling his eyes." I have them for Gondorian." He stood and stretched. "Well, I'm off. I'll just look in one Elrond's math class, just in case he's randomly disappeared again."

"Good idea. You know just last week I caught him out behind the school with Celeborn. And you _know_ what he does."

Boromir shuddered. "Why are Elves so horny?"

"I think it's just Elrond," Aragorn said, opening the door just as the bell rang. Both men jumped at the sound. Approximately 5 seconds after the bell rang, the halls became a sea of students. Aragorn and Boromir looked at each other and nodded.

"Let's do it," Boromir said, putting a hand to his sword.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, thanks so much for the reviews, Dandelion and AnonymousAgent! Chocolate and lemonade for you! I (Araflower) am really an*l about punctuation, so I'm really glad someone noticed. We'll definitely write more. There will be a chapter a day, except on weekends!  
We hope you all like this next chapter. We had lots of fun writing it! (Everyone wants Aragorn.) WARNING: This section contains slash, but nothing bad. And there's a joke about people doing it with sheep, so if you're disturbed, TURN BACK NOW! ~Araflower~

**The Perils of Teaching With Elves**

by Araflower and Sunlily

Chapter 2

"Teachers coming through!" yelled Aragorn loudly as he pushed a nearby student out of his way. A semi-path cleared for the two teachers. As they started down the aisle they heard yelling.

"Strider! Strider! Merry hit me during dodgeball! DO something about it!"

Aragorn looking around frantically for an escape route, but was caught a moment later by a flying Hobbit.

"Strider, Merry is so _mean!_" Frodo cried, burying his head in Aragorn's neck. Aragorn shot a helpless look at Boromir, who just shrugged.

"I'm out of here. Got to make sure Elrond's not fornicating with anyone."

"Or any sheep," added Aragorn.

Boromir laughed. "Mustn't forget those sheep. See ya!" he said as he pushed students out of the way.

Aragorn looked down at the crying Hobbit in his arms. "Frodo, go to the cafeteria and buy something on my account," he said, forcibly setting him down.

Frodo looked up at him. "Really, Strider?"

"Yes, really. Just go away."

Frodo jumped up and hugged Aragorn before running in the direction of the cafeteria. Aragorn sighed with relief and ran down the halls to get to the safe, warm comfort of his classroom. He was two steps away from the door when a hand fell on his shoulder. He whirled around and found himself face-to-face with Legolas.

"Oh, hello," Aragorn said, without much enthusiasm.

"Hello, sexy," Legolas purred.

Aragorn shuddered. "Legolas, I have to teach a class."

"I bet I could teach _you_ a few things, big boy," Legolas said as he ran a hand down Aragorn's chest.

"Anything he learns he learns from he!" shouted a female voice.

Aragorn shrank further.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm so sorry I didn't post a chapter yesterday! I was really busy. And I have three chapters of physics to read tonight, so I can't really say much more except a BIG thank you to MoroTheWolfGod for reviewing! We really appreciate it!  
~Araflower~

**The Perils of Teaching With Elves**

by Araflower and Sunlily

Chapter 3

"Oh, yeah?" challenged Legolas.

Arwen appeared from around a corner. "Yeah," she said. "He only wants me -- right, sweetie?"

Aragorn whimpered.

"You're not man enough for him!" Legolas said.

"You're as much a Man as I am," Arwen challenged, flicking Legolas's pointed ears. Legolas jumped back. The bell signaling the beginning of class rang.

"We'll settle this later," Legolas warned before taking off down the hall.

Arwen sidled up to Aragorn, who was still pressed against the wall. "You only want me, right?" she asked sweetly. Aragorn squeaked. "I love you, you smelly hunk of man," she said, kissing his cheek before going the opposite direction from Legolas.

Aragorn banged his head on the wall a few times before entering his classroom.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the building, Boromir was looking for Elrond. The search proved essentially fruitess, although he did eventually find Galadriel, looking distinctly greenish.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes, yes," Galadriel said, waving a hand dismissively. "I know what is in your mind, for it is also in my mind."

"It is?" Boromir felt distinctly nervous now. Galadriel always gave him the creeps.

"You're looking for my no-good son-in-law, right? What's he done now?"

"Uh...he...uh...disappeared from his class," Boromir said, backing away.

"He's off smoking pot with Celeborn out back."

"Again?" Boromir closed his eyes. "I thought we found all the pot in the teachers' lounge.

"Celeborn has a stash somewhere else, I'm sure."

"Oh, _bugger._"

"Yes, well, probably that, too. I've told you, so it is now your problem. I am free from all duty. You go get them back to work," Galadriel said briskly, spinning on her heels and walking down the hall.

Boromir groaned and walked to the door that led to the "top secret" pot smoking area. As soon as he stepped outside, Boromir started coughing. The air was so full of smoke, he couldn't see more than three feet in front of him. He stick his hands out in front of him and began walking around, flailing about, trying to find the two stoned Elves.

After several minutes, he had found a dozen students skipping class, but no Elves. Finally he heard some high-pitched giggling from one corner.

What he found was no surprise. Celeborn and Elrond were in various stages of undress, both smoking fat joints.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm not doing very well at posting new chapters every day. Sorry about that, folks! A HUGE thank-you to everyone who reviewed: Ereon, maleck, Elderberry, Jack Sparrow's girl, AnonymousAgent (fear not, the Gondorian class will make an appearance eventually), Gilraen Ar-Feiniel, and MaxMyu. Whew! We didn't expect so many great reviews! Y'all rock.  
~Araflower~

**The Perils of Teaching With Elves**

by Araflower and Sunlily

Chapter 4

"Wow, look at that sky..." Celeborn drawled, pointing at the gray ground. "It's so...blue."

Elrond laughed and crawled over to sit in Celeborn's lap. "Pretend you're Legolas," he said.

"You have my bow!" Celeborn said in a high and mighty tone, but ruining the effect by giggling at the end.

Boromir would have banged his head on the wall, but it was too smoky to find it.

"Elrond," Boromir said when he stopped coughing. "Don't you have a class to teach?"

"Wozzat? Cats don't teach classes...."

"Wossname!" Celeborn added before falling over in a dead faint.

Boromir groaned. If Elrond thought he was a cat again, they'd _never_ get him to teach. Stupid poncey Elves. He gave up. Gandalf had a free period. Let Gandalf teach the damn class. Better yet, let the class teach itself. It would be good for the little blighters -- teach them self-religance and that sort of shit. Besides, one never knew when Gandalf was in one of his moods. The last teacher to ask him a favor when he was in a mood was still bright purple and had trouble crossing his legs.

He glanced down to find that Elrond was clinging to his lef, making a sound very similar to that of a wounded chicken. He shook the pathetic Elf off with disgust and headed back inside to teach class. Ugh, fourth period. Hobbits.


	5. Chapter 5

Gosh, Sunlily and I have been mad swamped with schoolwork. Sorry we took so long getting this chapter out! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! *kisses*  
~Araflower~

**The Perils of Teaching With Elves**

by Araflower and Sunlily

Chapter 5

"Oy, out of my way, little people!" yelled one of the most feared people in the school -- Gandalf.

Behind him stood Saruman, principal's stooge, and, Boromir suspected, Gandalf's off-and-on loever, although Boromir didn't like to think about that.

When Pippin tripped over Saruman's staff, Saruman fixed the poor Hobbit with a glare of doom and intoned, "Watch your great clumsy feet, you little bugger. The Eye sees all and knows all!"

Pippin went very white and whispered to Merry (who was standing next to him), "If that's true, I reckon we're both in a heap of trouble!"

Merry laughed, then thought, and then turned as white as Pippin.

Saruman cackled. "The Eye sees ALL!" he shouted. "And he knows what you have been doing, little Hobbits! So you'd better run!"

Pippin and Merry took that advice and dashed off to the safety of their classrooms.

Gandalf turned to Saruman. "Have they really done anything?" he asked.

"Dunno. But by the way they reacted, I'd say yes. Just thought I should scare them a little. Keep them on their toes."

"Ahh, I like your style. Say..." Gandalf leaned a little closer to Saruman. "Why don't a learn a little more about your _personal_ style?" he said, in a lecherous old man voice.

Boromir cleared his throat. "Um, Gandalf, I was wondering if you would teach Elrond's class. He's a little...indisposed...right now."

Gandalf glared at Boromir.

Saruman moved away from Gandalf. "You really should, Gandalf. Those students are little terrors, and someone has to keep them in line. We'll have _our_ learning time later," he said, and was gone.

"Oh, very well," Gandalf said, still glaring at Boromir. "Which classroom?"


End file.
